The Power of the Tongue

Today I was reminded about how easy it is to communicate something that you don’t mean to. I have been reading a book called Conversation Peace by Mary Kassian. So far I am about 6 chapters into it, but I have already learned a lot of things about how we communicate. Kassian says that there are 8 potential problems in communication: A’s encoding (his/her message is packaged through his/her personality, feelings, attitudes, assumptions, habits, past experiences, and current environment), A’s behavior or body language, B’s observation, B’s decoding (how he/she interprets A’s message based on his/her own personality, feelings, attitude, etc.); B’s encoding, B’s behavior, A’s observation, and A’s decoding. Because encoding and decoding are affected by so many variables that are different for each individual, it is easy for A to encode a message very differently from the way B decodes it and vice-versa.

Kassian gives this example: If John is in a hurry to leave the office, he may give a short, clipped response to the idea that Sandra proposes. Sandra, who struggles with insecurity, hears the impatience in his voice. She assumes that John has rejected the idea and that he does not value her abilities. But conversation is not usually one-sided. Both parties are communicating to each other. As John responds to Sandra he observes her responses. He sees her lean back, shrug her shoulders, and turn slightly toward the door. From his observation John assumes that Sandra is just casually presenting a random thought and not looking for serious feedback. He glances at the work on his desk. Sandra sees him drop his gaze and assumes John wants her to leave.

Neither John nor Sandra communicated effectively. Based upon their observations, each made faulty assumptions about the other’s thoughts and attitudes. It is even easier to misinterpret the written word because you cannot hear tone of voice or see body language. All of this reminds me how important it is to think about what I say before I say it and to choose my words carefully.

Not only does Kassian write about the potential problems with communication, but she also discusses the comparisons of the tongue in scripture to the rudder of a ship and the bit in a horse’s mouth. She says that what we say can make or break a relationship. It can send us into calm waters or troubled waters. She also discusses the biblical principle that what flows out of the mouth is an overflow of the heart and focuses on change of speach through a heart change. Even though I am only about a quarter of the way through the book I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to improve their relationships.